Going through the motions

Going through the motions

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Lately my blog hasn't been up to par. That's because my life hasn't been. In all areas I'm just "going through the motions." I'm being a mom. A wife. A friend. But I'm not able to be fully present, fully in the moment, fully myself. 

We all do this. Put on a happy face and push forward in times of trial. It's not that we're trying to "be fake" or act like everything is okay. It's that we want to be strong. We want to "fake it till we make it." If I act fine, surely I must start being fine right? Surely planting a smile on my face and holding back the tears will make them go away? Putting the hurt and pain in a little tiny box and hiding it deep down inside will make it disappear?

We all are human. We are all flawed beings. We will all disappoint people. Let them down. Hurt them. It happens. We have all felt pain. We have all felt sorrow. It's part of the human condition. It's something that only Heaven will cure. Because until the day we enter those gates, we will continue to experience heartbreak in one form or another.

I heal by venting. I heal by writing. My poor husband has had many, many nights of holding me in the bed while I sob. I try so hard to cry quietly so he won't hear me. Won't have to once again be my protector, my supporter, my strength. I can be strong all day but when my head hits that pillow and the room is dark I break down. I fear the quiet for that is when that pain screams loudest. When the pieces of my broken heart cut me like shards of glass. 

I'm thankful for the amazing people in my life. The strong bonds I share. The people who know me. See my faults and love me anyway. But no matter how hard I try to let that love be enough, it never can be. It can never replace the love I'm missing. The rejection I feel. I am a little girl who just wants love. Yearns for that "I'm proud of you." Longs for that unconditional, no-matter-what kind of love. I'm trying so, so hard to navigate the waters without it. But I'm drowning. No amount of therapy, hours spent in prayer, or the love and support from my husband seems to be able to save me from this. Nothing can take it all back. It cannot be undone.

Having children changes you in ways you can't grasp until you're a parent. Their needs come before my own. Our job as parents is to keep them safe. The world is such a horrible, nasty, mean place. We have to do our best to protect them. I never want them to ever, ever experience this pain. Ever. I will put up fences. Build walls. Go to war for them. Even if that means causalities along the way. I will not jeopardize them. Their safety. Their happiness. Their hearts.  They will never know or understand what I am facing for them. I don't want them to ever have to know. Ever to see. To hear. To experience. 

Thank you blank computer screen. Thank you keyboard. Thank you silence. Thank you tears and loud ugly sobs through which I am writing. Thank you Lord for guiding me. Carrying me. Holding me and comforting me. It is through You where I will find peace. Gain understanding. Heal.

What is right is not always what is easy. What is right may not be something others can understand. What is right may mean standing alone. It may mean persecution. It may mean even adding more pain and hurt to an already hurtful situation. It may mean questioning everything you ever knew to be true. To be honest. To be real. 

They are worth it. When you get married your spouse becomes one with you. An extension of yourself. Your children make you into your own family. It's us now. The four of us. No matter what. It's us. Any love I may be missing. Any support I wish I had. Pride that I wish was felt. Protection and honor and gratitude and appreciation and understanding and communication and honesty and joy and commitment and grace that I wish was given to me. I must now POUR into them. I may never get to experience those things but they will. They will ten fold. They will benefit from all that I am lacking. 

My children (and future children) will look at Zach and I and know. Know that no matter what they may face out in this world that we have their backs. Their best interest at heart. We will protect them. We will cherish them. We will soak up every single second we have on this earth that we can with them. They are our hearts. Our lives. Our everything. They will NEVER ever know pain from us. Ever. Ever. Ever. All they will ever know is love. Pure, true love. 

The love that I have for them changes everything. Puts so many things into perspective. Into a new light. I see things differently. I know and understand things that I didn't want to see or accept or feel. Denial is fine and good when no one else is at stake except myself. But now it's not just about me. About what I face or deal with or try to pretend is okay and normal when it isn't. When it's simply not how things are supposed to be. It's not okay.

So forgive me. Readers forgive my lack-luster blog posts. Forgive my lack of responses from your mommy questions, Disney questions, and other areas where you're seeking advice. Friends forgive my lack of emotions. Forgive my hermit like qualities. Forgive my self-absorption. Family forgive my unclean home. Forgive my tear stained face. Forgive my fake smile that I may be wearing for quite awhile. Forgive me for simply going through the motions of living as, for now, it's the best I can give.

This is my prayer. I continue to read this verse over and over and over. I pray it to myself. I pray it out loud. I pray it daily. Hourly. Thank you Lord for giving us your Holy Word as it is through You we can face anything. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7